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Thursday 3rd September 2009.

Location: Heathrow Terminal 2

I really don’t know what to expect. I’ve no preconceptions about it: the books I’ve read haven’t given me any indication of what it’s really like. I can’t say I’m excited, intrigued more like.

I still can’t quite believe I’m here. My initial reaction when Nick asked me if I fancied joining him on a trip to DPRK, was “of course I don’t”, but after a few days’ of thought I realised it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity that I couldn’t turn down. After all, how many other mad friends do I have that would ask me the same?

Friday 4th September 2009.

Location: Beijing

I somehow managed to make it to the rendezvous point with Nick (how very pre mobile phone) without a problem. The scale of things here is overwhelming - the massive bookstores, endless shoping malls, all with exactly the same shops, how do they all survive? I’ve never quite seen anythign like the smothering shop assistants. Evasive action has proved ineffective against them and every time I think I’ve fobbed one off, another would appear almost sat on top of me.

Having said that, it’s been surprisingly quiet here. I was expecting something like Bangkok in its intensity. However, shop assistants notwithstanding, it’s been nothing of the sort. The wide streets and sheer size of the buildings no doubt go along way to achieving that, even with the 12 million people.

Today’s news has been full of the North Korean’s apparent progress on uranium enrichment. A great time to be going there then.

Saturday 5th September.

Location: Beijing airport

I’ve just given up my connection to the outside world to our tour guide, Julia. Our phones will be reunited with us on our departure from North Korea. We’re now sat in the departure lounge with the fellow nutters waiting to board the ageing Russian aircraft that barely looks flight safe. The excitement is beginning to kick in, but some trepidation still, as I’ve no idea what to expect. The first few minutes after landing will no doubt set the tone for the trip: will we be treated like royalty and whisked around being fed like kings? Or will we be like tourists anywhere else, and be subjected to hours of queuing through customs, immigration? Given there oare only 10 flights a week, there just can’t be queues, can there?

Location: hotel in Pyongyang

Oh there can be. And the luggage took the usual age to arrive, too, even though we were the only plane in sight. Ryanair could learn a thing or two from the North Koreans about how to pack people on to a plane; theirs seem luxuriously spaceous in comparison to Air Koryo’s. Turbulance is slightly more alarming when you’re flying on the only 1-star aurline in the world. The runway seemed to go on forever: a cost saving technique so the reverse thrusters don’t need to be used to slow down I think. Some brand-spanking new transit buses greeted us from the plane steps to take us to the terminal, a whole hundred yards away.

The first obstacle between us and our tour: health screen. This would usually be quite straightforward. However, with the swine flu outbreak and travelling with Nick, whose current ailments consist of diarrhoea, vomiting and most, externally obvious, profuse sweating, it was far from a formality. They decided to pull him aside into a separate check-up room. Ten infinite minutes later, he emerged, seemingly intact. With a temperature of 38 degrees, the official was concerned but he somehow managed to convince them he had no other symptoms.

Next up, baggage. I’d filled out a customs form on the plane, ticking the box marked “Publications”, and was getting increasingly concerned at my impending incarcaration due to the imperialist propaganda of the Economist and Guardian in my bag, which I’d stupidly failed to dispose of ahead of customs. Thankfully, no inspection for me, though.

All done, and off to the coach where we met our Korean tour guides (minders - Mr Lim, Zhen and Lee. Having already surrendered our phones in Beijing they now reappeared neatly rendered unusable in a big sealed package, only to be opened again at the border a week from now.

Glepfl

We had our first encounter with a monument to the Great Leader Eternal President for Life (Glepfl from hence forth). Weirdly, a swarm of 20 military people vanished as our bus pulled up, where we were told we could buy flowers to leave at the feet of Gelpl’s statue, for a bargain €3. After no one seemed keen on this optional extra, the sentence was repeated to make clear that we must buy flowers.

Airang Mass Games

Being the National Day tour, we’re here for the annual mass games. This is supposedly one of the highlights of our trip, and it certainly was impressive in its own special north Korean way. Our poor tour guide looked quite stressed trying to herd us all into the games, especially when we nearly didn’t get in because some officials didn’t seem happy with our tickets for reasons unknown. It was also quite the challenge stopping us take photos of the swathes of empty seats at each end of the stadium.

It took a while to sink in that the each pixel of the images displayed on the stand opposite us was actually a person holding a piece of card. By our estimates there were probably around 10,000 pixel people who rendered pictures ranging from Gepfl to their nuclear power station - for purely peaceful purposes of course.

The display itself consisted of thousands of performers, on a scale that was amazing and ridiculous in equal quantities. People flying through the air at 100 feet without ropes, kids jumping over skipping ropes on unicycles, *****

And that’s day 1 done. It’s all been quite surreal so far. Being ushered around on what’s clearly a very well choreographed routine, being told when we can take pictures, knowing full well we can’t otherwise, when to buy flowers…

Sunday September 6th

Actually, it’s 0010 on Monday. Today lasted rather longer than intended and we only arrived at the hotel at about 10.30pm after a few hours on bumpy roads that made those on the way to Lake Malawi look **.

Today saw the propaganda machine go into full swing with a visit to the US war crimes museum in Sincheon County. Arriving late (fast becoming a feature of this trip), we found the place shrouded in darkness because of a power cut. We spent ** being lectured to by a very stern-looking woman who, with her big pointy stick, told us about the terrible atrocities committed by the US in the Korean War. It’ll be interesting to compare this version of events to the West’s when I get home… We even met a man who survived the alleged massacre of 400 women and 100 children.

The Kumsusan Memorial Palace. Wow. I’d packed a smart shirt and trousers especially for this part of the trip, having been under strict instructions that jeans and t-shirts were unacceptable.